Halloween Romance, with Visser One and Three
by risika-dragon
Summary: Halloween's over, i know, but what happened to the Vissers in that time? A date? Does it lead up to a kiss, and can people just leave them alone? Must read Purgatory Bust to understand main partsHumor, romance, and angst in one.
1. Date and Dinner

Okay, a little three-part fic of our Closet Fan heroes on a date. Halloween was days ago, I know, but who can't love the MAGIC of Soulfest? The Yeerks are put into dates and the only one for Visser Three is…yep, just Edriss. Will a spark be lit on their marvelous dating? What will their underlings have to do with it? And will the Animorphs rain on their parade?

Read and review! Dedicated to Sinister Shadow and Darth Vader es cool 5.

Warning: This **ISN'T** just in **V3's POV**. There's also **Rissa** (me), **Visser One**, and **Marco**. Also, you would have to have read the fifth chapter of **Purgatory Bust **to understand some of it.

Enjoy, mes copains!

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**Part 1: Dare and Dinner**

**Visser Three**

"Like, trick or treat, Visser!" Ellie said with glee.

(Oh for the sake of oatmeal, what're you doing now?) I asked.

You see, Ellie wasn't just in PINK clothes, she had on a BALLERINA PINK getup. In her left hand was a fluffy, pink bag and she kept twirling around, asking everyone that question. In fact, all the usual morons had costumes on. Sargimf was dressed up as a fricking pirate, with an eye patch, striped vest, and a belt with a sword swinging from it. Rissa was COVERED with green, scaly paint (wearing only a dark green bikini), with ceramic blades on her arms, legs, head, and on the tail she was dragging behind her on the floor (three guesses what she was). Iniss had a black cape, WHITE WHITE make-up, claws, and fangs that made his voice heard to define.

And who else was here? Visser One, of course, dressed as a belly dancer--as if she wasn't ALWAYS revealing her little self. She had a ankle length green skirt, a flowery red bra-like top and Indian make-up over her face.

WHY, oh WHY, do these things happen in my apartment?

"I vill suck yer vood!" Iniss said, raising his hands toward my neck.

(Get away, or I vill leave you in a voddle of your own vood,) I snapped.

"Lighten up, Visser," Sargimf said. "Tis a good night, it is. We be a celebrating the greatest human holiday of da year: Halloween. AAAARRR!"

(Thanks for the update, Captain Sargimf,) I groaned.

"It ta be Captain Jack Sparrow to ye, sir," he gruffed. "Even milady Edriss came at our partee in her esteemed loveliness. Lo, if my heart had not already belonged to two oder females, I'd give it ta herrrr as well."

"Two?" Iniss asked.

"I giveth it ta Milady Rissa and me oder love, da Sea Herself," he explained. "ARRR!"

"Say that one more time and I think I'm going to slug you," Visser One muttered.

"Yeah, like, don't over, like, say, like, some word," Ellie said, rolling her eyes. "Like, Visser, why aren't you, like, in costume?"

"Yeah, Visser, it's Soulfest!" Rissa said.

(It's a stupid holiday!) I growled. (The reason that species is still celebrating it on their own is BECAUSE WE HAVEN'T YET MADE THEM ALL INTO CONTROLLERS! It's a mockery of our failure so far. Why do you people want to celebrate THAT? Plus, there's the whole commercialization thing to it.)

"But VISSER!" Rissa protested. "It's the night we remember the druids of olden times, the ones of my--" Everyone besides Visser One and I sent her a suspicious glance, for reasons too OBVIOUS to tell. "I mean, the _human's _beliefs where the beginning of magic and science and such started. A time when the spirit realm and the mortal worlds collide so that the deceased may visit us. Especially you-know-who."

Oh great. A bit of tea time with Aldrea, Ellie's psycho-path other half, and Rissa and my demons. So, who brought the biscuits?

"Like, didn't they use to sacrifice, like, young virgins to, like, keep away the evil souls?" Ellie asked.

"That means everyone but Iniss is safe," Visser One quipped.

(So, aren't you supposed to go out and get tooth-rotting sweets?) I asked. I dreaded the idea of taking any of them to a dentist in PUBLIC.

"AAAR, it be a weird thing da great candy-givers did dis night of nights," the Hork-Bajir muttered. "Every street we came upon, da lights just went out. Poor folks. Must suck ta be in dat situation. No one can see ye."

"Yeah, I thought they only did that when they thought they saw suspiciously-looking teenagers that might sack their house…" Rissa pondered. "I mean, I even lit a tree branch on fire so they could see us better."

"Like, whatdaya all, like, wanna do?" Ellie asked.

They all sat there for a moment before an unseen light bulb went on. Iniss, of all people, started bouncing up and down on his heels. "I have an idea!"

"Oh my god, this day IS full of surprises," Visser One said.

Iniss ignored her and beamed a HAPPY smile at us. "We could all go on dates."

"Very creative," Rissa drawled.

"No really," Iniss whined. "It could be fun. We all go in costume and go wherever on Earth we choose. Even Sargimf. The humans will just think he's a Star Trek junkie or something, and won't look twice. C'mon. We're always stuck up in orbit plotting new schemes and trying to keep ahead of the Andalites in the war. Don't _we_ deserve one break?"

(From _you_ guys, yes,) I said.

"He's right, for once," Visser One said. "The Andalites have their own holiday going on right now, something called _Sukra-Neave Desika_. Spirit Night, I think. We Yeerks are probably the only ones still out and about on duty."

(Please, please, don't tell me you agree with him?) I begged.

"Like, he has a point," Ellie said "But, like, I'll pair us up. Like, Rissa and Sargimf go together, since, like, we remember what happened to that, like, human-Controller Robert, when he flirted with her."

"Poor guy," Rissa sighed. "I hope our doctors can sew him back up." She glared pointedly at the Hork-Bajir.

The Hork-Bajir snorted. "Loses _one_ hand and suddenly he can gets all the attention in the world." He cowered under her glare. "Hey, he didn't need to kiss you."

"On the cheek." Rissa scowled. "He was _French_, Sar."

"Like, back to me, people," Ellie said. "Then me and Iniss since we, like, are the smartest and cutest here, like, no offense. And last but not least, Visser Three and One."

( "WHAT?" )

"You're, like the only two left," Ellie said.

"No, we've done this before. Two weeks ago, as I recall. Councilor Two thought it funny to put me and him together. Does anyone forget a certain infestation of Bandits wrecking the place?" Visser One argued.

"But you both have VISSER in your titles. You just belong together tonight," Iniss argued back.

(Like she said_, no_. You may as well stick a bloody Hork-Bajir with a hungry Taxxon and see how long they last. What makes you even think I would consider going along with this?) I asked. (Um, Rissa, what's that?)

From behind her back, the dragon girl had pulled out a very familiar looking book. "Oh, nothing. Ellie just found this under a certain blue-furred Controller's pillow," she said. "I must say, Ellie, Sargimf, and I had a blast reading it. Four stars."

"You seem so much happier here." Sargimf cleared his throat and said some very strange words. "_Whee! What a day it has been, creatures. What a day! Why has it been such a GREAT DAY, you ask! Because today was MY BIRTHDAY! Why, I feel like humming "Happy Birthday". Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da da DAAAAA! Da da da da, dear Visser! ... ... Okay, you are correct in saying that I am "odd" or "bizarre" or even "moronic", or even a "freaking witch", because those are all human words that make no sense. Like me!"_

(No….no, please tell me that isn't…) I gasped, all three hearts shutting down.

"I like this passage more," Rissa chuckled. She massaged her neck a moment and said in a false-angry screech, "_I AM NOT, I REPEAT, NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY DAPSENISH, RETARDED, DISTURBING ACTIONS IN THIS CHAPTER. I WAS ON OATMEAL, I TELL YOU! OATMEAL!!!"_

"Isn't that the part where you wrote about me…and you….?" Visser One started. She had once snuck in my room and read some of this marvelous book. Were those tears in her eyes?

Ellie started dancing in ballerina twirls. " _I'm a Barbie girl. In a Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair! Undress me everywhere! ..." _She was even nice enough to keep out the likes.

"Ooooh, I wanna read it!" Iniss cried. Actually, I think Visser One was the only one who literally _cried_. Thankfully, Andalites didn't have tear ducts.

"NOOO!" Visser One shouted.

(What do you want?) I basically squeaked.

"One date," Sargimf said, holding up a claw.

(Anything but that,) I moaned.

Rissa flipped to the next couple pages. "_... And then... Well, let me just tell you it's a good thing Councilor Seven is waaaay too dumb to have room security."_

(Okay, fine, just put it back!) I groaned.

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**(Still in Visser Three's POV)**

I had morphed into a weird blended mix of Andalite and human. I had a humanoid shape, but was covered with blue-and-tan fur (relax, I was still wearing pants), stalk eyes, a bladed tail, and pointed ears. I know I'm explaining it all like a freakishly literal Andalite, but hey, give credit where credit's due. I looked good--in an insane, exotic way.

I ran a hand through the black-blue hair on my head. "Do I look alright?" I was being examined and watched by Ellie and Sargimf. Probably to keep me from leaping headlong out a window or something.

"No, like, you are a hideous mutant who should, like go around with a, like, bag on your head, but that's, like what counts," Ellie said.

"Y'know, if Ah didn't know betterrr, I'd say you actually wanted to go on a date with Visserrr One, arrr," Sargimf commented.

"Yeah, right," I said quickly, rolling my eyes. "I simply have to look better than _her_ costume idea. So what do you think?"

"I think, you like, need a lobotomy," Ellie mumbled. "You, like, look fine. Have fun." She giggled. "If you like, see any Bandits on the road, like, floor it."

"Will do," I said.

I went out into the hallway of the hotel we'd, er, gone in through by the V.I.P. way. Which was Rissa/Iniss talk for: We landed a cloaked Bug Fighter on the roof and used to of the rooms to change in. Rissa, Sargimf, Ellie, Iniss, and I were in one, while T.E. was in the other with Visser One. I knocked on Visser One's door.

Visser One and the Taxxon came to the door. "About time," Visser one mumbled.

"So what will you two be doing tonight. I must say, I'm surprised," the Taxxon said.

"Let's just say, this was an enforced engagement," I answered.

"Yeah. We'll basically be hanging out or whatever humans say," Visser One added.

"Yeah. I guess you wouldn't need any money to do that," T.E. said. "I remember when I was on more active duty and met a few other females besides you, Edriss. Some of the best dates we ever had didn't require any Yeerk coins. We just found some secluded area and…" He stopped and turned around, grabbing a few bucks from a table. "Esplin, here's a hundred dollars in American money. Go see a movie or eat somewhere. Please spend it all! And, eh, stay in public."

"That was weird," I muttered as the Taxxon closed the door.

"I wonder what he was thinking," Visser One pondered.

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**Rissa**

I looked down at the neat-o scanner Sargimf had gotten me after I… Well, skip the details, shall we? On it was a list of numbered and named spots, with a red, beeping dot in the center. I smirked at the crowd in front of me.

"Is, like, the homing device working?" Ellie asked for the umpteenth time.

"Yep. Fully functional," I answered.

T.E. shook his head at us, which was kind of cool since the lights kept shifting on his ruby red eyes. "I can't believe you went to such lengths as to spy on our Vissers. I thought even _you_ four were far above that nonsense."

"What gave you, like that idea?" Ellie asked sarcastically.

"You four are--for lack of a better phrase--in for a world of hurt," T.E. said so helpfully. "You all know that, correct?"

"AAAR, we can handle Visser Three if he finds out," Sargimf said. Oh, he was soooo cute with that accent. I started crossing the room towards him, so proud and happy, and--

"I wasn't talking about _him_," T.E. warned. "I meant Visser One when she finds out you were tracking her." He rubbed one of his clawed pincers against his head. "I'd stop you or something, but I've got a major headache and Edriss is better at dealing out punishments."

I pouted at Sargimf, leaning up against him, and turned back to T.E. "Think about it, Taxxy. All those times the Bandits could've been ours. Remember the incident with the Andalite trying to send an S.O.S. message to one of our ships? We had them captured and sealed up in a box. They escaped."

"She's right," Iniss agreed.

"Then the hammerhead mutation incident," I added. "We could've had them and a new line of hosts, but nooo, who squabbles during the battle? Edriss and Esplin. They yammered so much I think the Animo--Andalites were probably confused as to who-was-on-who's side."

"We even got it on video," Sargimf added.

Iniss raised an eyebrow. "Didn't we send my tape to the Yeerk's Funniest Home Videos? Along with the teamwork moment?"

"ANYWAYS," I said, "what about two weeks ago at the Mexican place? In a room crowded with Yeerks and the Andalites still manage to escape."

"Well some of that was our fault…" Iniss muttered. "But back to the main point…"

"AAAR, ya see where we be a getting' at? If we can git both da Vissers toget'er, imagine what dings we'll be able to accomplish," Sargimf concluded. OOOhh, wasn't he, like, the smartest guy EVER? Oh, crap, now I'm talking like Elllie… Ahem.

"Well, I'll come with you then," T.E. said at last. All jaws dropped. "It's not what you think. I'll be there to keep you maniacs from destroying either of their reputations any more than you already have. Besides, what could happen?"

I slapped my forehead. "Did he just say what I think he said?"

Ellie groaned. "Like, yeah. Magic words."

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**Visser One**

Thankfully, we both made it to a restaurant without anything exploding, a gorilla pounding the side of the car, and no Mack trucks crashing into us sending us into a state of nothingness and hateful guiltiness. Unfortunately, someone still had yet to take Driver's Ed.

Okay, it was ME.

Well, hey, blame Eva, the host I ALWAYS had to use when I came for a visit on this planet. And people here were too slow. I mean, c'mon, how much time do you THINK you have before a Subaru going ninety hits you? Ugh, at least this wasn't our car. (Thank you addictive human-made larceny video games for the lessons. Very useful.)

"We're here," I said cheerfully. I turned to the side, seeing a freaky transformation of blue to green on Visser Three's face. "Oh come down, you big baby. All we hit were trick-or-treaters."

The retching sound stopped. "Why couldn't I drive?"

"You don't have a license," I chirped.

"DO YOU?!"

"Now, let's not dive into our personal lives before we eat. Oh, yay. Look, a Ponderosa. I haven't at one of those since this host's _death_," I said. "After all, you should be hungry for dinner since you lost your lunch just now."

"Hah hah."

There was a LONG silence as we TRIED to eat. Visser Three's _costume_ only allowed him to consume vegetarian plates, and I, _weeell_, I wasn't going to give him a laugh by wolfing down nachos and burgers--I swear, humans are worse than Taxxons. So both of us sat there scraping lettuce leaves and tomatoes from one side of the plate to the other.

Well, we DID find ONE topic we were both cheerful to talk about.

"I can't wait to strangle those jackasses," I said. "I'll help Rissa remove that costume of hers with a nice pair of hot, searing gun. And I'll shove raw chicken meat down her boy friend's trachea. I'll paint Ellie's room and everything she owns black, and take her to a headbanger concert. Haven't thought of anything for Iniss though…"

"You are so unimaginative," Visser Three drawled. "Make all four of them watch an Ashley Simpson demo. I remember when I was in Purgatory, some stripper tried belting out the lyrics and…" He stopped.

That was when the LOOOOONG silence cut in. See, neither of us had discussed much of that place or experience since we, eh, escaped. I'm not sure how much the others remember, but I had been having nightmares of that time for weeks. Especially something that involved a choice…with Esplin and a demon…as well as Councilor Four and me…

"So you remember everything?" I asked.

"Yeah," he muttered, gulping down a glass of water. I tried to not think of the stares from the other humans--human or Controller--at us being the fact that we were quiet, but of the fact we were BOTH wearing retarded outfits. "Wish I didn't. That whole place gave me the creeps. I mean, Aldrea as a parole officer?"

"Who?" I asked. "Wait, you mean that Andalite who went nothlit?"

"The Hork-Bajir one. When we, um, astral traveled to your hospital and came back, guess who was there to greet us with open arms?" Visser Three muttered. "I almost nearly turn her into my host and suddenly I'm the most targeted guy in all of the spirit world."

"You were going to have a _female_ host?" I asked, chuckling. The Yeerk who's always trying to push his masculinity on everyone and hates having a feminine Visser One in power, wanted to have a teenage, bratty Andalite _girl_ for a host?

Visser Three scowled. "I was only ONE cycle at the time." He rolled his eyes at me, which freaked a few plain old humans out with the stalks. "Get off the floor, Visser One. It isn't _that_ funny."

I shook my head and heard a strange noise. I blinked, coming off the ground and brushing my skirt off. "Hey, do you smell…smoke?"

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**Marco**

There are few things left in the life of an Animorph that one would call normal. Including Halloween, the BEST holiday of the year. Especially when I could beat any costume with my gorilla _suit_. I mean, the judge or whoever of a contest would be like, "Well, this one looks sort of real. And, yuck, look at that _blood_. And this…OMG! It's like this rubber gorilla face is attached! And this fur! OMG, OMG, OMG!" Take that, Simon.

But nope, not even this. Ax happened to have changed his remote into a tracker device. See where I'm going with this? Well, we caught on the signal of our greatest nemeses, duh duh duh… Visser Three and One. _Together_. These two hated each other worse than Tom and Jerry. Half of battles with both of them involved the two COMPLETELY ignoring us, while trying to KILL each other.

So now, cutting to the chase, we were in the parking lot, having _borrowed_ some guy's Jeep--for the good of the human race, pal--and were outside in the parking lot of a Ponderosa. It was easy enough to spot the Vissers in costume, Visser three being a weird blend of Andalite and human, while my mom…VISSSER ONE was dressed as some Indian dancer.

Us? Keeping to holiday tradition--which after THREE hours Ax STILL didn't understand--we were in half-morphs, passing as trick-or-treaters. Enough animal so we couldn't be recognized and having half the animal's attributes of strength and all, while human enough so no one called Cassie's mom to round us up. Jake was half-tiger, me a gorilla hybrid, Cassie and Rachel being cliché werewolves, Ax half human, and Tobias looking like Angel from X-Men.

Coo l thing was, we were able to do mouth words AND thought-speak. I said to everyone else, (The ravens have entered the nest. I repeat, the ravens have entered the nest. Over.)

"Marco, shut up," Rachel snarled, hackles raised.

Jake shushed us. "Watch out for any body guards. I don't think they're dumb enough to go out without any protection."

(Roger that,) I answered. "I don't see anyone around here, though, not even a…HORK-BAJIR!" I wasn't scared, just, eh, surprised.

"YEOOOCH!" the green, scaly brute snapped, wearing a…pirate outfit. What was with these guys lately? I could've sworn Cassie said she saw one dressed in a suit two weeks ago. "You stepped on my tail! AAARR! What are you doing here?"

"What the…? Why's some idiot Hork-Bajir-Controller out in public?" I asked.

"Why you…" Big, Mean, and Ugly growled. "Stupid furball!"

Now he was throwing insults. Two could play at that. "Scaly moron!"

"Crap throwing primate!"

"Bark munching lizard!"

"Tick farm!"

"Wart farm!"

(Well, aren't we all a bit too mature tonight?) Tobias drawled, coming out from behind a car, talons ready. (Don't worry, Marco, I got a got your back…tick farm.)

"Shut up!" I threw back so very cleverly.

"Well well," some girl said, leaping down from a tree. She was covered in green scales, with a small bikini, blades everywhere, and a tail trailing behind her. "Don't harm my love!"

"What the heck are you wearing?" Rachel exclaimed. "You Yeerks look like bigger idiots than usual."

"Be careful how you address a Visser's secretary!" the girl hissed. "And I wouldn't be talking, flea bag."

"Secretary, huh? I don't see any Dracon Beams on you," Jake announced.

"We didn't think you, like, pests would like follow us," a girl dressed as a pink ballerina with tutu and slippers snapped. "We like thought even you like losers had like a life."

(You Yeerks are practically defenseless,) Ax said, whipping his bladed tail.

"Oh really?" said a vampire who looked a little like…Vice Principal Chapman??? "You want some of this, Andalite scum?" He balled his hands into fists.

"Bring it on!" Rachel growled.

"This is turning out to be a fun night," a Taxxon mumbled. Wonderful, a Hork-Bajir playing Captain Blackbeard, a girl trying to be a Hork-Bajir, and now a English-speaking Taxxon. Who were these people? "I knew I should've stayed home watching Phantom of the Opera."

"AAAR. Could we talk about this some other time? We have a battle going on if you haven't noticed," the Hork-Bajir grunted, ducking one of my swings. "DIE BANDIT!"

(Never trust the full moon,) Cassie grumbled. (All the weirdos come out.)

And that's when tree-girl lit some tree branches on fire and we facing a pyromaniac duo of lizard-girl and ballerina.

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**Visser Three**

I fiddled with the end of my fork. "Nah. Don't change the subject. You dragged us into it, remember?" I asked.

"Alright, alright, fine then." Visser One turned her head slightly, and I think that for the first time in a long while her façade of bitchiness cracked slightly. "I keep thinking of this one unclear part. Where I'm hanging from some high ceiling or whatever, and you're there."

I almost choked on a cucumber. "What happens?"

She shook her head and snorted. "I don't know." She sipped some water. "Wait, there's this part about screaming and you freaking out."

"Were you driving?" I asked, trying to vainly change the subject.

"I'm serious, Esplin," she hissed, and there was something like fear or whatever in her voice. "You have to know what was going on. I keep thinking that there was a choice involved, between Councilor Four and me."

My single heart started thudding painfully.

"You're standing there," she continued, "looking dumbfounded and scared and sickened. Like you have this terrible weight on your shoulders. And you aren't sure what you want. I…want…to know what you had to do and what it was--"

"YAAAAHHH!"

Both of us turned from our conversation to the chaos unfolding outside.

"Heads up, Tony!" Rissa cried, throwing a flaming stick at a tiger-like creature's backside.

"OW! HOTHOTHOT! MY BUTT!" he yelped, patting the flames out. "YOU ARE DEAD YOU BLADED BITCH!"

Sargimf and a gorilla were rolling around on the pavement, trying to beat the crap out of one another. "Let go of my tail!" Sargimf roared.

"Let go of my fur!" the primate bellowed.

A familiar, very literate Taxxon had snagged hold of one of the werewolves prancing and biting at him. The Taxxon turned away for a moment, dropped the blond lupine beast, and started hacking up. "OH! Yuck! I HATE meat! Awful, gross, stinking meat!"

(You gotta be kidding me,) one of the wolves exclaimed.

"I vill drink yer vood! MUAHAHA!" Iniss cried, using a street sign--no kidding--to beat the heck out of the only true blue Andalite lashing out his tail. "ANDALITE SCUM!"

(Please do not try to attempt humor, Yeerk filth,) the Andalite growled.

"Like, go to hell, you, bird-boy!" Ellie yelled, whipping a flame branch at a cross-breed of hawk-and-whatever. "I'll, like, teach you the meaning of, like, pain!"

"Are all Yeerks this brain dead?" the hawk shouted.

"Like, are you calling me stupid?"

"STOP SAYING LIKE!"

"Okay, that's it!" the tiger snapped. "Now we're getting serious!"

"You want serious?" Rissa cried, then laughed. LAUGHED. Visser One and I started sneaking out towards the back, pushing past people. "I'll give you serious!" She tossed a burning stick at him, which missed and landed on a smashed up car.

There was a round of "uh-oh" from everyone.

BOOOOM!

"You want to continue this somewhere else?" I asked Visser One sheepishly.

"Good idea," as we headed towards the other side of the parking lot and raced away in the Subaru. "I hear they're playing Saw Three."

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Should I continue this? What happens when the Vissers try to see a movie? And can the Animorphs and subordinates give them a break?


	2. Mall and Movies

YAY! New reviewers! Awesome. I'm proud of the humorousity--is that a word?--this has inspired among you people. Now, what happens when Visser Three and One try to hide at the local mall in the movies. Will their pursuers follow them, or be a _little_ distracted?

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**Part 2: Mall and Movies**

**Visser One**

Both Visser Three and I hightailed it out of the restaurant, flying in the Subaru toward the mall where a movie was playing. Street lights, cars, and buildings flashed by in a really cool blur, though my passenger didn't seem so agreeable.

"Please pull over," Visser Three moaned. "I think I can feel that casserole crawling up my throat. Oh GOD!" He reeled down the window and started hurling chunks at other vehicles, which surprisingly caused more accidents than my driving. "HOW did they FIND us?"

"I have no clue. We should be safe at the mall though. I think it'll be crowded enough," I informed. "Demorph and morph back to human. I already look suspicious in this Shakira get-up."

"You think? That's not the only way you look," he muttered, though I was confused at the lack of sneering. "I'm never, EVER celebrating this holiday again." He started demorphing, fur popping out everywhere and tail lengthening. "Hopefully that blast knocked them all out unconscious."

"Especially those stupid Bandits. Argh. They always have to ruin everything!" I snapped.

"Welcome to my life," he muttered. "Now, have yourself dyed _purple_ for a week and chimpanzee _feces_ thrown at you, and _maybe_ you'll understand what Hell is." His lips sealed together in a firm line. (I couldn't get the SMELL out until I morphed a dozen or so times. Blech.)

"But how?" I repeated from him. "Honestly, I understand you, with the fur and tail and all, but still, don't those people have lives? I swear, sometimes I'm believing we're stuck in some crazy author's story of a soap opera slash science fiction slash insanity. That writer's got to be sinister or something."

(You're telling me,) Visser Three muttered. (I wish Rissa and Sargimf and Iniss and the rest would just get thrown back into Purgatory, already!) His main eyes widened and he swore a couple Yeerk curses, which I will kindly not translate.

I glared at him, trying to feel angry as the Devil himself, but having a sudden emptiness collapse inside. "You still didn't answer my question. What was--" I would've surely finished the question at hand, but I was suddenly confronted by a face full of Andalite haunches. "Get your ASS out of my FACE!"

(Well get your face out of my ass!) He rolled his stalks at me. (And Andalites crap out their hind hooves, Moron One. Geez, give me a break. These seats are too small for Alloran's body! What? You fail in Algebra? See, mass times weight means I can't fit my butt in this damn thing!)

"Alright, you big baby," I groaned. "Just morph now. We're here at the mall now."

Both of us unclipped our seatbelts, Visser Three having a tiny bit of difficulty there-- (Release me you damn thing! Hey! Hey! Hey! My tail's stuck in the fricking contraption! Don't just stand there. Help me out here!) --but we managed to make it halfway towards the mall, staying back in the shadows until the idiot finished his morph.

"See? This isn't so bad. Watch a movie and we're out of here," I noted cheerfully.

(I guess…) he mumbled.

Then suddenly…

"Mommy! Mommy! Lookee lookee! There's a pony over there! Can I go ride on it? Pleasey please! Here, horsey!"

I grinned as Visser Three found himself without hands or a tail. "Okay, Sea Biscuit, seems we're going to have to find you a saddle."

"No, sweetie. It's probably that little skank's stallion," the mother remarked, dragging her child away.

(Well, I guess--)

I frowned. "Shut up, morph, and get in the damn theater already."

------------------------------

**Marco**

"_Never_ did I _think_ I'd see the day when we actually _did_ this," I moaned. The Hork-Bajir-Controller and his green-skinned slut--yes, slut--glared at me. "You have got to be kidding. Please, oh Merciful Leader, you're kidding."

"Speak for yourself," said Count Chapman.

"Yeah, like, if we had a choice, like, we'd turn you in to the Emperor," the Pink Lady snapped. "Like, Rissa, are you sure about this?"

"Yeah, we should've at least brought T.E. along to," the Hork-Bajir mumbled.

"One thing for a Hork-Bajir to be here, we don't need a Taxxon," Rachel growled.

See, we'd sort of finished our battle after we compounded several cars, busted up the street, and brought down the house--well, actually it was a Ponderosa. Please, I don't feel like explaining, but somehow a truce had been formed between Jake and "Rissa" at the moment. Apparently, they'd changed their thoughts and wanted the Vissers together just about as much as we did--which was zero-point-zero.

"Okay, split up and search for them," Jake ordered.

"Hey, just because we're working with you for one night, doesn't make it so you can lead us, Mr. Andalite, if that is your REAL name," Rissa spat. "Okay, troops, split up and search for them." The Yeerks departed to the right side of the mall, while we had the left.

"Great. The best time to come to the mall and I HATE it," Rachel grumbled.

Yeah, also, we were in differently assembled human morphs, around eighteen or nineteen from those college boys and girls we acquired in the parking lot. Thankfully, those Yeerks hadn't seen our regular selves and still believed us to be Andalites. Myself, I was a tall, dark-skinned guy with awesome muscles, so if any ladies would like to call me at--

"Marco! Stop daydreaming!" Tobias snapped, giving me a slap across the head for good measure.

Jake cleared his throat. "First, Rachel and I will check out the food court. Tobias and Ax try to find anything in the theater, while Marco and Cassie search the pet store."

"The pet store?" I asked dubiously. "What? Visser Three's going to buy some flea powder or something?"

A wicked gleam had befallen in Cassie's eye and before I knew it, she was dragging me off to the Petsmart. "Yes. Who knows what evil deeds they're planning to use on those poor, caged, unfairly treated animals?"

I believed I knew where this was going. "Cassie, we're only supposed to fight the Yeerks, okay?"

"The Yeerks could be impersonating the owners of that store as we speak, probably hiding the Vissers," Cassie defended. "Wringing the necks of innocent puppies, kicking kittens, butchering birds. Evil, evil parasites!"

"Cassie, we can't just rip open a place during a semi-important mission," I said coolly, in a I'M-talking-to-a-mental-person tone.

"Is that Stacey Kimonski in there? Near the dark, secluded fish exhibit?"

"Oooh, you are devious an cunning," I muttered, following her into the department.

Soon we inside and SURPRISE SURPRISE Stacey wasn't there. Instead I had to trail after Cassie towards a small section full of retriever, beagle, and husky puppies yipping up at us happily, while a bunch of orange, black, and white kittens mewed softly.

"Wow, they're awfully enthusiastic animals, aren't they?" I asked.

"Yep," Cassie mumbled. "You would be too if you thought you had a chance to escape these tiny prisons." She plucked a black feline with a white chest and face up, nuzzling its fur against her nose. "He looks just like Mistofeelees."

"Yeah…" One of the puppies nipped my hand and I scratched its head. "Poor little guys."

"Yeah locked up all day with no exercise and very little food and water," Cassie whimpered. "No one to hug and care for them. No one to play with. No one probably cares if they're stuck like this for two or three years. Then they're put down."

"It's sad and wrong," I mumbled. I quickly noticed that Cassie had slipped into the small fish part, and suddenly wasn't all herself. "Cassie, are you going Nanook?" A lump of white fur sprouted out of her face and she grinned a bear smile at me.

(Look out PETA, you just got a helping hand,) she said. (You in?)

"And let you have all the fun?" I asked. "For the pouches!"

--------------------------

**Rissa**

I had a bad feeling when Ellie walked into the Rue 21, leaving her ballerina outfit in there. She came out with pink camouflage pants, with matching t-shirt, a helmet on her head, and war paint on her cheeks.

She scowled at us and marched in front of us in a line. "Okay, cadets. Today, or tonight whatever, we're to cover this mall by twenty-four hours--that's midnight. We'll bring down the walls, sniff out best prices and come out of here looking FABULOUS!"

Iniss started crying--I was almost there with him. "Why is it she only stops saying 'like' when we're at a store?"

"Ellie, I think you're forgetting the main objective here," Sargimf crooned. "Now, let's focus here…"

Ellie whipped out a stick and slapped him across the chest. I winced as if it had stung me--we're so CLOSE. "This is no ordinary shopping trip soldier! This is the day where you either snooze or you lose! This isn't just about getting the perfect gift for those people you care about! No! Shopping the night of Halloween is as American as Apple Pie! It is a shot in the arm, stimulating the lifeblood of the economy! It's every patriotic citizen's duty to shop 'til you drop! This is a test of strength and endurance! It separates the real women from the weak little boys! Now move out!"

I snorted. "Okay, General, listen. We didn't come here so you could gorge yourself on sales, or pie, or whatever you wanted. I lost track of the conversation." Trying to remember the important details of the conversation, I suddenly noticed something more…intriguing. "OH! Toy store!"

"You have got to be kidding me," Iniss muttered. "Aren't you in High School? A sophomore now?"

"Hey, look. New Barbies and Baywatch dolls on display," I said, rolling my eyes.

"What're we waiting for?" Iniss said, suddenly having a change of mood. "Let's go!"

And so the four of us had LOTS of FUN!!!! Why were we here again?

"Who put dresses on all the Ken dolls?"

"Hey! There's somebody in a Godzilla suit eating the jigsaw pieces!"

"Who turned on all the toy robots?"

"How did that bubble gum get in there?"

"Look out for the marbles on the floor!"

"There's silly string everywhere!"

"This crazy red haired kid with green skin said 'I bet that this toy car can go faster than that one!' So I bet her!"

"How do you turn off all these bubble machines?"

"Who undressed all the Barbies?"

"Look out! The remote controlled rockets are running amok!"

"Who spray painted the chairs, the counter, the shelves, EVERYTHING PINK?"

"I quit!"

And so we skipped merrily out, leaving a wake of sobbing employees. They must've not been in the holiday spirit. But then our good pals the Animorphs--ahem, the _Andalite Bandits_--showed up, well, two of them. They didn't seem too happy at seeing us, especially at how beautiful and interesting we'd decorated the store.

"Jimmy Buffett Rocks?" read Jake, I mean, random Andalite. "Who listens to that?"

"I'll have you know he's a VERY inspiring man. Wonderful voice and handsome," I noted.

"Yuck. That guy's totally ugly," the Blond Witch spat.

"AAARR," Sargimf growled. "Don't diss the great Captain Buffett."

"For Yeerks, you people are completely immature and insane," Tiger Boy said.

Ellie snickered. "Like, speak for yourself."

Suddenly, a herd of cats, dogs, lizards, parakeets, turtles, tarantulas, snakes, parrots, hamsters, gerbils, rats, and mice raced down the hall. It was amazing. People screamed, people cried, but come on! This nailed Lion King in the balls. I wished I'd brought Silas, my wonderful little albino snake, along. And to top it off, behind the pack came two polar bears, roaring and stomping and keeping mall cops from wrangling up the animals.

(BE FREE MY FELLOW CREATURES!) Nature Girl cried.

(FLY, OR RUN, OR SLITHER AWAY!) Jolly Mon added.

"Oh…my…lord," Blond Witch gasped.

Tiger Boy shook his head. "I cannot believe this."

"Hey, I think they did a noble deed," Sargimf commented. "Save the geckos!"

"Like, a monkey! Yay!" Ellie squealed, picking the black primate up and cuddling him.

Harvey Birdman and True Blue suddenly appeared on the scene, panting, but eyes rounder than saucers. True Blue said, "Um, Prince Jake, I am frightened to ask what happened."

"Spiders! Spiders in my hair!"

"What's that yellow stuff on the Paris Hilton sign in the toy store?"

"What is this? Some cut-out from The Birds? AW! NOT THE HAIR!"

"Give me back my watch you stupid mutt!"

"Where are the toy display under garments?"

Tiger Boy watched the chaos around. "I think I need a drink."

Harvey Birdman grabbed his shoulder. "Um, we, eh, found them. They went into the cinema."

----------------------

**Visser Three**

Both Visser One and I had skipped out on the idea of Saw Three. Somehow it suddenly didn't seem like a wonderful movie to indulge in, despite the hilarious insanity humans possess. Instead, we choose the classical, tasteful comedy known as Borat, which gave us an in-depth study of American culture.

It was amazing all the things I learned. Who knew a human female's brain was actually the size of a squirrel's? (Which might have explained Visser One.) Or that Jews could shape shift into cockroaches and the only way to repel them was to throw dollar bills at them? Or that Pam Anderson was seen as the Great Virgin? It was truly an educational documentary. Four stars.

"Is this all true about Homo sapiens?" I asked.

"Visser One yawned, leaning absently against me. "Yep. Except the squirrel thing, of course." She munched on some popcorn. "Heh. It's kinda cold in here, don't you think?"

"Really? I feel fine. You must be…" I suddenly realized what she was hinting at and weirdly enough, it didn't seem so bad an idea. "Well, now that you mention it, it is freakin' chilly in here." I cautiously wrapped my arm around her shoulders, wondering if it was a trick. It wasn't.

Visser One chuckled. "Are you blushing?"

"Huh? No!" I felt my cheeks rise in temperature. Where was fur covering in a morph when you needed it?

"You are! You are!"

"WHATEVER!"

"I want to know what you choose," she said, leaning even more against me. "I really, really want to know now." She smiled up at me, looking willowy and ghostly in the movie screen's light. "If I told you a secret, would you tell me then?"

"What secret?" I asked.

She grinned like a mischievous cat, one of her long-fingered hands stroking my chin. "It's a deep, dark secret." Quickly, I found my face and hers coming closer together, eyes, noses, and lips… I didn't despise or become disgusted as her breath neared mine…

-------------------------

**Rissa**

"Okay, let's spread out again, shall we? They've got to be here somewhere," Tiger Boy said.

"Who put you in charge?" Iniss growled.

"For once I agree with him," I said.

"Uh-oh, alert the news," Sargimf chuckled. "H-E-double-hockey-sticks has frozen over."

"Will you idiots shut your traps!?" Blond Witch snapped.

"Like, you shut up," Ellie remarked.

"Why don't you all shut up?" Harvey Birdman remarked. "In fact, you Yeerks just go home or the Pool or wherever you go. You morons are going to get caught sneaking into the movies anyway."

"So did you, Andalite scum!" Iniss hissed.

"We are attempting to keep a low profile here," True Blue informed. "And I don't believe the humans in the lobby would allow us in with our current, er, artifical skins." Oh, did I forget to mention in all our fun Ellie and I spray painted the Bandits in pink, gold, and black? Go Fruity Steelers!

"You guys are, like, real moral people," Ellie sneered.

"Yeah, when we sneak into malls or planets, we're maniacal criminals," Sargimf muttered. "But when you do it, you have a higher purpose than we little parasites could ever hope of committing. What a bunch of hypocrites."

"I think they might have gone into Amazon Reptiles 2," I interrupted.

"What? That stupid local movie that's only able to cut into this theater?" Harvey Birdman asked.

"It's a good film. They'd want to see it," Sargimf said.

"No, only you would want to see that film," Iniss argued.

"More like his relatives," Jolly Mon cracked.

"Actually Monkey Man I am surprised at your ignorance," Iniss scoffed. "Despite its corny title, Amazon Reptiles 2 is a veritable cinematic delight! A true tour de force!"

"Yeah, it's got everything!" Sargimf nodded. "Action, suspense, comedy, romance…"

"Half naked bimbos running around every scene losing their clothes," Nature Girl snapped.

"What screen did you say that flick was in Yeerk?" Jolly Mon asked. Blond Witch whacked him on the head. "Ow! I'm serious! They could be in there! Maybe I should check it out?"

"Maybe I ought to check you into the hospital to see if we can find your brain!" Blond Witch whacked him again.

"OW! Stop hitting me!"

"Fine, like, I'll hit you," Ellie volunteered, slapping his head.

This ended up in a minor scuffle, both sides smacking and punching and kicking and biting the other, until…

"Hey? Where did the Lizard himself go?" Jolly Mon asked.

"It's not exactly a hard thing to do, losing a Hork-Bajir," Nature Girl said. "Where did the big guy go?"

"You people _are_ dumb," I said in exasperation. "See, he has a bit of an addiction, and, well, three guesses where he went."

Sargimf was standing at the concession stand, clicking his claws on the counter. A very pale human was taking his order, and I guess she had cerebral palsy with all that shaking. Yes, folks, the only Hork-Bajir with a junk food addiction. You've seen it here in Risika-Dragon's mind.

"I'll take a Super Jumbo popcorn with extra butter," Sargimf ordered from the cashier, who was extremely NICE and got it right away. "A couple Kit Kat Bars, some Twix--do you have any of the peanut butter kind?--a few boxes of Hershey's, and some Twizzlers."

"Honey, Sweetie, I think we need to get you on a diet," I grunted, grabbing one of his thickly muscled arms and trying to pull him away. "Come on."

"I'll have one of every candy there, and there," my love pointed. "Maybe some more popcorn?"

"I need some help here!" I growled, and was aided by Iniss, True Blue, Nature Girl, and Jolly Mon. "Where's a bucket of acorns when you need them?"

"I'll get you people something too." Sargimf pouted at me. "It's not like I get to come here everyday, you know… OH! Do you have any coffee?"

My eyes brightened. "With extra sugar?" I gasped. "They have…yes, oh my, yes…"

"What is happening now?" True Blue asked.

"DUCK AND COVER!" Iniss shouted, diving into a trash bin.

"PIXIE STICKS!" I screeched happily.

Now the cashier lady was taking a little nap on the floor. Wasn't she sweet?

"This is not good," Tiger Boy groaned.

Then, Ellie ran screeching from the restroom with handfuls of toilet paper clutched in her hands, screeching with laughter. "GIVE THAT BACK!" Blond Witch yelled from the restroom.

"Let me rephrase that," Tiger Boy sighed. "This is a disaster."

----------------------------------

**Visser Three**

I admit, I, the great and powerful Visser Three, was nervous. Edriss was breathing lightly, her sweet intakes and outtakes smelling like mint, despite the mound of buttery popcorn she'd just chomped down. A few thick strands of black hair slid from behind her ears and brushed against my chest, fragrant with pomegranate and nectar. My legs moved nervously underneath me, half my brain yelling NO and the other screaming YES.

She looked up at me with those dark, black-on-black eyes. _Okay, what do I do? _I thought in a panic. _Do I kiss her? Wait, it might be a trap. She might be playing this out so she can tell one of her REAL mates to kick my ass. No, that isn't like her. She prefers slapping me herself. So does she actually want me, her greatest enemy, to hold her? KISS her? What'll I do? Ignore, or kiss?_

Edriss whispered faintly in my ear, "So, are you gonna kiss me or what?"

I closed my own eyes as she copied the gesture. Our faces grew even closer, until our lips were pressing against the other. Hers were so soft, so small, so nicely…

Something bounced off my head. "What the…"

It happened again, and Edriss looked down into her lap. "Is that a Milk Dud?"

"Oh no…" I moaned. "I hate my life, I honestly fricking hate it." A mini water fall of assorted candy fell on top of my head. "Hey!" I glanced up into the balcony. "Who's the wise guy?"

"Yes!" one Latino boy hooted, giving a guy who didn't seem to be able to make facial expressions a high five. "We did it!" Soon the pair was splattered with cold Pepsi.

"Go away, you jerks!" Rissa hissed. "Don't worry Visser Three. We got your back, er, tail. Go back to smooching Visser One. It's better than the movie." She launched herself into a fight with the Bandits. Candy and soda splattered down onto the theater.

"Help! This pink freak attacked me!" a boy shouted, covered in toilet paper like a mummy, limping down the aisle.

"Stop setting my butt on fire!" one of the Bandits shouted at Rissa. "OW!"

"I really hate my life," I muttered, face in hands. "Someone please Dracon me now…"

"When we get out of here, Visser three, could you morph something big and bad and drop the whole stupid mall on them?" Visser One snapped.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So where will the Vissers go now?


	3. Swimming and Running

Here it is folks. How did the date end? Does Visser Three FINALLY confess his feelings and smooth Visser One? Does Edriss FINALLY get revenge on the subordinates? And do the Animorphs FINALLY get screwed over by an animal?

And a good friend of mine makes a guest appearance.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Part 3: Swimming and Running**

**Visser Three**

"Okay, let's review how this night's been running. Shall we?" I muttered, driving the Subaru this time, WHILE demorphing the second time this night. Visser One leaned forward in her seat as my tail coiled around her. (We were forced into this damn date, then our pals and enemies trashed a Ponderosa, set loose all hell in the mall, and wrecked the theater while you and me of ALL people were kissing.)

Visser One snorted. "I still say you should've morphed a T-Rex and smashed that place to rumble."

(Ugh. This night has been one chaos after another,) I grumbled.

"You know, this has got to be some Yeerk reality TV setup," Visser One suddenly mused. "Think about it: two hateful Vissers, put onto one night on the town, must go through Limbo and Hades to finish up a harmless bet. I see it all now. I wouldn't put this past Councilor Three…and Nine…and Eleven… They're all on it!"

(Yeah, it makes sense…) I thought. (Oh not again. You people are morphing me into a paranoid psychopath again.)

"What were you before?" Visser One sneered.

We were driving out of the town, towards the woods bordering the city. Dark pines and elms stood as sentries on each side of the road…. There I go with the nonexistent poetic side again. Alloran's influencing my speech too much again. Maybe I should zone out to The Godfather or Scarface or some other human comedy after this.

"Let's go for a swim," Visser One suggested.

(You're kidding me,) I muttered.

"No. I haven't been able to swim anywhere but the Pool in months. Well, there was the party, but I had to give you CPR after Norm nearly drowned you," she rambled. "Come on. Don't you ever just have some fun?"

(Yeah, but some of us actually WORK. Besides, I thought you hated this date-thing,) I grumbled.

"Who cares? Like I said, we should at least TRY to have some fun. And I doubt they'll find us all the way in the dark back here," she grinned.

(Yeah, like I'm going to go swimming with you…) I said. (Not for a thousand Yeerk coins. You can burn or sever my limbs, but no, never, not in a million years spent in Purgatory. You can kiss my tail right there, sista.)

Visser One grinned. "You know, Rissa, Ellie, and Sargimf aren't the only ones who spent a couple hours pouring over your diary…"

Strangely enough, I succumbed to the idea of taking a dip in some river. We finally spotted a decent sized lake and I parked the car over in the grass. I crawled out on my hooves, while Visser One simply had to slip off the seat in that ever flexible human body. It was DARK, as in, despite the stars and moon, the trees were so frickin' tangled we could barely see a thing, except the lake that had a freakishly ghostly glow. Off in the distance, a pack of wolves howled and something shrieked in either pain or bloodlust.

I rolled my left stalk eye. (This is like one of those cheap horror movies Iniss makes us watch on Saturday nights. This is just like the part where two people are traveling through the woods, when some werewolf or ax murderer sneaks up behind, ready to splatter the unsuspecting lovers' guts across the ground.)

"Thank you for that input, West Craven," Visser one sneered. "Good thing we aren't lovers."

It took a moment for the words to hit. (Huh? Ah, yeah, whatever. Let's just get this over with already, shall we?)

Here's a news flash for future generations of Yeerks in biology classes: Andalites can run, Andalites can jump, to some extent Andalites can climb, but Andalites CAN'T swim. Ever watch those Planet's Most Funniest Animals that Ellie and Rissa are OBSESSED with? Especially the ones where some horse or cow gets stuck in a backyard pool or something, jerking around in the water like an idiot? Don't forget to add that in your reports, kiddies.

I contented myself by sitting on the bank of the lake, hooves sunk into mud and grass and God knows what else being sucked up my legs. I watched Edriss churning the water into small spirals, front flipping, back flipping, twisting, and basically having the fun of her life, while at the same time making me feel like even a clumsier moron in the water. And yeah, it might be _slightly lazy_, but I wasn't going to use up any more morphing energy so I could pretend to be a Shamu wannabe.

Edriss swam towards me in a graceful front crawl, skin gleaming under the moonlight and hair a flowing mound of black, silky seaweed. She grinned at me and splashed me. "Come on, you old grump, the water's warm."

I snorted the droplets out of my nostrils. (You're INSANE. It's FREEZING in there.)

"For the first two minutes," Edriss snorted. "And you can keep track of time, can't you? Two minutes, that's it."

I roughly agreed after she yanked me into the water. Did I say freezing? I meant arctic, sub-zero temperature! (COLD, COLD, COLD!) I shouted, but was unable to leap out due to the thin fingers wrapped around my tail and holding on no matter how much I struggled for escape. (Where're the polar bears? This is COLD!)

"Aw, wa wreat Wisser Wee, scared of a wittle water?" Visser One asked.

She screeched when I responded by freeing my tail and using the blade to scope up water to splash in her face. She countercharged my attack with a small tidal wave that drenched whatever had been still dry on me. She front crawled away from me, bursting into giggles as I struggled after her with landlocked hooves.

"You look like a hydrophobic blue deer," she shouted.

(Well, you look like a fish woman!) I spat.

She blinked a couple times, confused. She rolled her tiny, little eyes at me, wrinkling her brow. "Do you mean a 'mermaid'? One of the human myths that involved a human upper half and a fish lower half?"

(Yeah, except it's vice versa with you,) I said. (Screw this.) I started morphing into a shark-like beast, maybe fifteen feet long with red skin that gleamed like blood in the starlight. Funny thing, it was vegetarian. Then again, Alloran acquired it from his home world, so what do you expect?

Even though she clearly WOULDN'T know that fact, Visser One laughed at my circling form and started singing a familiar song. "_She came down from Cincinnati. It took her three days on a train. Lookin' for some peace and quiet; hoped to see the sun again. But now she lives down by the ocean. She's takin' care to look for sharks. They hang out in the local bars, and they feed right after dark_."

I shook my elongated head in amusement, demorphed and went back into my human body, joining in the chorus. Who cared if I sucked at singing? Only Visser One was here and she was worse than ME. "_Can't you feel 'em circlin' honey? Can't you feel 'em swimmin' around? You got fins to the left, fins to the right, and you're the only bait in town. You got fins to the left, fins to the right, and you're the only girl in town_."

She swam around me once, splashing icy water on my now furless face. "_She's savin' up all of her money Wants to head south in May; maybe roll in the sand with a rock'n'roll man, somewhere down Montserrat way. But the money's good in the season; helps to lighten her load. Boys keep her high as the months go by. She's gettin' postcards from the road_."

We continued the song until I finished it with the closing lines, "_Just behind the reef are the big white teeth of the sharks that can swim on the land_." She came closer, except this time she wasn't readying up to freeze me again, swimming to the lyrics of the song. "_You got fins to the left, fins to the right, and you're the only girl in town_."

I kept staring into her eyes, and felt weirdly thankful she didn't at me about being a perverted, brain-dead dapsen. That was how I was acting, I guess. They resembled so much like twin black holes, except not just cold and sneering, but hiding something, having pulled in planets and stars unable to escape those depths. I leaned closer to her, remembering the brief sensation at the cinema of her lips brushing mine--

"Well, didn't expect this bit of a scene tonight, did you?" someone cried. "No, lookee here! Put down the witch craft. It's the hating lover duo!"

Visser One and I snapped out of our daze, with her pushing me away and down into the blackened water. I gasped for air and clawed at the silvery line between air and lake, only to see a pair of girls with amused looks on their faces.

"Oh wonderful, and who would you two dapsens be?" I growled. "Does Iniss have this country, no, this WHOLE PLANET staked out?"

"We've been chased by a couple lunatics all night," Visser One explained calmly.

"Hey, you butt hole, it's me, remember?" one of the girls said. "Sinister Shadow. And don't worry, this meeting's by accident." Sinister giggled at us as we crawled out of the lake, spraying water everywhere. "And I completely approve of this, believe me. It's your life and the others should butt out, right Psycho Path?"

Phycho Path tossed back curly, brunette locks. "Yeah. If you want to hang out with this loser, that's your business, Visser One."

"Hey!" I snapped. Before I could add more to that lame comment, I heard footfalls in the distance. I groaned and turned to Visser One, who happened to notice it as well.

"Lovely, the Bandits and Idiots have caught our scent again. What're we in? A Jason X movie all of a sudden?" Visser One moaned, turning to the pair of girls. "I don't have any clue why either of you girls are up here, but mind doing a Visser a favor?"

"SURE!"

"Make a slight diversion, alright?"

She received a creepy grin from them.

---------------

**Visser One**

Both of us stopped at a gas station, not even caring anymore at the couple of people who dropped unconscious at seeing Visser Three in his host's body. I rummaged through the glove compartment, pulling out a pack of Kool cigarettes, and lit one in my mouth, puffing on it. What? Have some freaks chase you and things like lung cancer and death are no longer fears, but goals.

"You think we gave them the slip?" I asked, sucking on the stick. "This is getting too weird. How do they keep finding us?" I nervously blew out a breath of hazy smoke, which flew into his face.

(Watch it! Not all of us has twelve billion hosts to replace ours with,) he muttered, opening the door and started checking underneath the vehicle. (I just thought of something! Wait a minute here!)

"Esplin, what're you searching for?" I asked.

(AH HAH!) he cheered himself, plucking out a blinking, red device that was no bigger than my pinkie nail. (I think I've figured their scheme out. Two points to Visser three.)

"That's one of our homing devices," I gasped.

(They must have stuck it on while I was getting you from your apartment room,) he mused. (Sneaky little bastards.)

I smirked with a sudden idea, grasping it out of his fingers and sticking it onto a trailer, one which the owner had yet to see Esplin standing there like, well, like a deer in front of a bunch of redneck headlights. I scampered back to the shadows by Visser three as the fat, balding driver came out of the gas station store and drove off.

(I've never seen an Ohio license plate,) Visser Three said.

"That'll keep them occupied for a while," I giggled. A car full of college bound seniors pulled up, looking exactly like the ones from the theater and raced after the trailer. I waved at the disappearing car. "Bye bye, hope ya get run over and die!"

(So what do we do now?) Visser Three asked.

I surveyed the area around us, noting the forest standing back from the store and gas tanks. I ran over to the Andalite-Controller and tapped him on the shoulder. "Tag, you're it." I ran off into the darkened woods, shrieking a cry of utmost freedom. The one thing better than swimming was definitely running. "Run, run, as fast as you can, you can't catch me, I'm the top Visser woman."

(What about the Subaru?)

"Fuck the damn car!" I yelled. "Let a lizard come by and pick it up."

----------------

**Visser Three**

I chased after Visser One, far quicker on my hooves and deer-like agility, but she was nimble and easily climbed over obstacles like rocks and trees and bushes. For a moment, I was sure she'd gone crazy, screaming and flailing her limbs like a wild animal, but before I knew it, _I_ was acting the same way. Maybe there really was something to this Soul Fest thing.

At last, we reached a clearing, me whipping my tail and shouting out nonsense cries, feeling like an idiot once again, but not giving a damn. This was FUN. Visser One twirled a moment on her feet and fell backwards on the knee high grass, panting and sweating. My Andalite body was exhausted, triple hearts beating crazily, so for the FOURTH and FINAL time tonight I morphed into a human male, laying not too far away from Visser One.

She closed her eyes for a second. "I kind of wish I had an Andalite host myself. I don't even care about gender. It would just be awesome running with those four legs and looking in all directions while it was raining." She made a noise that was half-sighing, high-laughing, chest rising up and down in rhythm.

I shrugged. "Not really. At first, it's cool and everything, but you get used to it. Like having host eyes, I guess."

She shook her head at me in what might've been wonder and amusement. "You actually got USED to eyes? Wow, you're an insatiable fool. And running like that? I still my first time as a host, leaping about in the rain. It was complete Nirvana."

I shivered slightly, wondering why she'd suddenly become so open about things tonight. I digested her words, gazing up at the stars of Draco and Leo. "Well, yeah, there is something pretty cool about running so fast and tireless, I guess. Geez, can we recap and remember for a second that we're enemies?"

"Who said I forgot?" Visser One asked.

"Well, um, I, eh, you should SHUT UP NOW. You should be telling this crap to Councilor Eight or Two. Why do you even care what I think? Scratch that. Why do I even care what you think?" I howled. "We're frickin' mortal enemies here. We could use whatever we say here as black mail to the other and remember this night as the worst fucked up thing imaginable. I probably wouldn't have thought of doing this twice if my diary hadn't been on the line-- Woah!"

The witty, devious female had snuck up on me and pressed her lips against mine. A sense of cursed giddiness came over me and I leaned back as she pressed closer. And to top it off, she pulled away and SLAPPED me. "I told you I'd tell you a secret tonight, didn't I?" she growled.

I nodded dumbly.

She distanced herself from me, but was still close enough that I could reach out an arm and touch her. "Please, I don't care what you choose, I really don't. I just want to know. It's been clawing at me for weeks and I can't put it out of my mind." She looked up and her eyes were sparkling sadly. "What was it?"

I sighed, her scent still clinging in my nostrils. "I choose…." Of course, she'd want a verbal answer, but I decided to answer differently. I closed the space between us and planted my lips back on hers. Instead of the expected slap, I felt her smile against me.

Click!

"What-was-that?" I hissed.

Edriss had a dangerous look in her eyes. "I have HAD ENOUGH OF THIS." She stomped over to a rowan bush, pushing the foliage aside.

"Say cheese, or oatmeal!" Iniss chirped as he clicked the camera again in Visser One's face. "You're on Candid Camera, Visssers!"

My eyes and fists started twitching. "I..AM…GOING TO MURDER YOU!"

Rissa appeared up in a tree, shaking her head. "I told you that you were making too much noise, Iniss," she hissed. "I thought you would listen to me after I got us away from my not-so-sane best friend and Sin."

"I thought we ditched you dapsens!" Visser One snapped.

"No, you ditched the Bandits," Sargimf corrected, emerging from behind a maple. "We happened to use good sleuth detecting, skills that Sherlock Holmes would--"

"We spotted your car," Iniss explained.

"And, like, the fact that, like, you were screaming like a bunch of howler monkeys," Ellie said. "Now, like, would you kiss this ditz, like, already? It's, like, freezing out here."

"Ellie," Visser One hissed. "Would, like, you, like, SHUT LIKE UP!?" She stomped towards the pink girl and slugged her cold, one fist smashing into her eye. Ellie collapsed noisily to the earth.

"That's a good left hook, but I--OWIE!" Iniss cried, as Edriss tackled him to the ground, starting to knock his lights out. "AW! Help me, please! Save me! Not the face! Wait, no, not the balls! Visser Three help me!"

I wisely retreated as Visser One viciously assaulted him. After all, hadn't Iniss always wanted her on top of him? Like I said before a hundred times, be careful what you wish for.

"Sorry, but I don't think you could hurt me," Sargimf scoffed as Edriss marched like a demon out of hell towards him. "Come off it. I'm a Hork-Bajir, AAAR, and you're a puny… OW! YAHHH! MOMMY!"

Rissa climbed higher up the tree as Visser One chased after her. "Call her off! Call her off!"

Iniss was twisted into a pretzel. "Please…ambulance…"

"I think we should all be leaving now. It's pretty late," I said, finally taking pity on them. They were just idiots, after all. "Come on, everyone." I grabbed Visser One and started leading her towards the direction of the parking lot with the car.

In the distance I could still hear the others.

"Is she gone?" Iniss whimpered.

"Wow, her eye looks like an Oreo," Sargimf commented. "And ahhhh. My _omysadda_ muscle!"

"I'm going to saty up here if you don't mind," Rissa called. "I wish SHE was helping us hunt the Bandits. Wonder where they are now?"

---------------------

**Marco**

Situation: we had probably crossed three state lines so far, Jake was driving, Tobias needed to use a toilet, and Rachel and I were in a fierce battle. Jake and I were up front, while the others were crammed in the back, not so comfortable with Ax demorphed and ready for action.

"Can we just stop and ask for directions?" Rachel drawled.

"No!" I snapped. "They've got to be around here somewhere!"

"That's what you and Jake said an hour ago!" Rachel hissed.

"Uh, I gotta go to the bathroom," Tobias announced for the FORTIETH time, hopping up and down in his seat.

"Ax, please stop getting gum all over my morphing suit," Cassie said.

(It is not my fault, Cassie,) Ax informed. (My species have the rather annoying ability to have an assortment of objects cling to our fur. I think it was once used to protect our hides before we grew tails by running through thorn bushes and--YOUCH!)

"Yuck. It's all over you," she grumped.

(OW! Cassie--ow--please--LET GO! You're tearing my fur out by the roots,) Ax whined. (Stop, stop, stop! I thought you told me you were a vet! This hurts!)

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "There's this big clump of gum right here I can't get loose."

"Guys! I gotta go!" Tobias whined.

"Crap out the window, chicken legs," I said.

"Even we birds have more dignity than you," Tobias grumbled. "Think dry places… Sahara, desert, algebra teacher's heart…"

"Niagara Falls, rain drops falling, and sprinklers," I added helpfully.

"Shut up, Marco," Rachel snapped. She turned back to Cassie pinching at Ax. "That isn't gum, Cassie. That's his skin!"

"Bathroom, bathroom, bathroom," Tobias buzzed off.

(I believe my flesh is starting to bruise…no, that's just blood,) Ax said.

Jake turned angry eyes at all of us. "Shut up, all of you, or I'm turning this vehicle around this minute!"

"Yes, Dad," I said. "I mean, Prince Jake."

"Don't call me--"

"JAKE WATCH OUT!" Cassie cried.

A squirrel ran up in front of the car, beady eyes flashing in the headlights, and Jake swerved the car off the road, hitting into a tree. No one was hurt, but all six of us busted out of the now smoking tin can.

"I swear I heard that squirrel laughing at us back there," I moaned.

"TREE! TREE! TREE!" Tobias cried with joy and relief, racing around the other side. A dull, sprinkling noise was heard.

Rachel threw her hands up in the air. "Go back in the woods! We aren't in a fricking dog pound!"

"I knew I should've stayed home," Cassie groaned. "I had the funniest premonition. Stay home, be safe, or go out stalking Vissers and end up as hitch hikers."

(What'll we do, Prince Jake?) Ax asked. (And could I have a bandage perhaps? I'm feeling…a little…lightheaded.) The Andalite started to sway.

"I hate my life," Jake mumbled, hitting his head against the car. "I hate it! I hate it!"

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THE END.


End file.
